All the questions... Where do I begin? What's Next?

She baaaaaack... and she ready! This blogging platform and goal setting has worked for me in the past so figured why not 🎝 do it again (a la Jboog) ♫

About 9 months ago I started feeling really unsatisfied with my job. I felt like I had learned most of what I could lean from my current role and was starting to feel burnt out and bored. I still loved parts of my job but it was starting to feel less fulfilling. I was honestly pouring too much of myself into my work. Who hasn't been here? I work at an agency that is chronically short staff and the overachiever in my used to thrive off the achievement high that I got when I made magic happen with nothing. But this year, it didn't feel the same anymore. I had achieved things like single handedly tripling the size of my team, consistently met productivity numbers and achieved the highest staff retention rate in my region. Which IYKYK, this is no small feat in community mental health! I was running on auto pilot and felt like I had already done all these hard things I wanted to do so now what? What was next? This sentiment coupled with my job wanting me to come back into the office in person full time started me on the path to figure out honestly, what's next?! Cause no I will not be returning to the office full time, I don't have the time or space for that sacrifice in my life these days and this is the hill I will die on. 

In retrospect, The first piece of this puzzle showed itself when I applied for a big executive leadership position at a large, well known and reputable org in Seattle in April of 2023.  I didn't even think I would get an interview let alone get down to the last 3 candidates. I think the light bulb moment happened when I received a voicemail from the hiring manager Jacqueline letting me know I did not get the position. The voicemail was so kind and compassionate, she had very complimentary things to say and also asked if I'd like to meet with her to discuss other opportunities.  I was on vacation in Tahiti at the time and decided to call her when I got back. Not a bad place to be when you get news like this... Since I was on a long relaxing vacation, I had time to think about how the news that I didn't get the job actually felt and oddly enough the feeling was relief. I was confused as to why I was relieved that I didn't get the job that would pay me around 60k more a year than I was currently making. I realized I had entered the era in my life where I really valued work life balance more than the paycheck. I knew with this new big title and pay increase would also probably come long hours, and even more work. Not to mention a longer commute to work and still it was mostly in office. All things that I had just realized were the opposite of what I wanted in my life. 

I remember the day I called Jacqueline back. I had no agenda, and wasn't fully sure why I was calling because I was very happy at my current job right? The phone call ended with me in tears and recording a voice note. (Side note: Voice notes have been my new thing to capture the random thoughts and ideas that pop into my head as I move through my world. When I get a feeling like the one I got this day, I think, even though I'm not sure what this means, I know it is going to be something that I'll probably need to revisit in the future and talk it out... It's been super helpful. Try it!) Ok so back to the call. I am not sure what Jacqueline picked up on in my response to her question about where I saw myself in 5 years. Because she responded with "Gloria have you ever had a mentor? Specifically a BIPOC mentor?" Ouch! The answer is obviously no. I had not. It was such an odd realization. As I went through the file cabinet of previous work experiences in my head. I realized I have never even had a supervisor of color let alone a BIPOC mentor. Jacqueline went on to say she can see a future with me and the org and would like me to call her when I was ready to move on from my current position and seriously consider other options. I wasn't sure if Jacqueline was offering to be my mentor or not but I was so overwhelmed with this mentor realization, I just thanked her and told her I would. I sat on this idea of a mentor for a good year. At the time I decided I was happy and comfortable in my current role and sort of forgot about it. 

I started my side hustle consulting business in 2022 and closed my first year with a small 4 figure profit. In 2023 I decided most of my energy was going to go to my side hustle. I started to seriously look at it through a lens of feasibility to see if I could make my side hustle my main hustle and quit this dusty 9-5 life altogether. I was on track to triple my pervious years profit and closed the year with 5 figure profits, by just saying yes to opportunities presented to me that sounded interesting or fun. I definitely wasn't looking at quit my job numbers, but I was also only spending about 10-20 hours a month on my business and it started to feel feasible. The constant thought I was having during this time was, "If I worked half as hard for myself and my business as I do for this damn corporate job the possibilities are endless!" This is my delulu optimism or what we could call my confidence kicking in,  which thus far has actually served me very well in life! 

Anyway, in 2024, two big things happened. 1) My job got so hard and stressful. I decided I needed to build my infrastructure more if I was actually going to be able to scale up by business... everything from liability insurance, to website and narrowing down my niche were all things that I needed to figure out. Last year I hit my cap with the systems I currently had and with having a full time job. I needed to change something but I wasn't sure what. The idea of quitting corporate was freeing and exciting but mostly terrifying. 2) My health was starting to tank. In 2023 I moved to a new area and still had yet to establish care with new providers to keep my preventative health up. Turns out my chronic stress levels were beginning to affect my health in ways I wasn't aware of until I started to see a naturopath. Internally, I was constantly feeling like Cruella DeVille (below) trying to stay on top of everything eating well, exercising, getting enough sleep, excelling in my career, nurturing my close relationships, drinking enough water, etc., etc. Thus began my journey back to prioritizing my own health above my job and also apparently learning to slow down and be more soft with myself. 

This all led me to where I was the summer of 2024. I had a bunch of ideas floating around haphazardly about what I could do and what I would like to do, but I was stuck not knowing where to begin, or what was next for how to get there. More to come about all this later, but one important point I want to end with is something that my Therapist Hal said to me around this same time, after knowing me for years and having had multiple sessions about what I want to do/need to do with my life... You are "putting too much energy out there and there is no hub for this energy. It's not building on itself it is just dispersing".  I knew at the moment this comment meant something. I didn't know what at the time but I felt what he said! I didn't have a hub and my energy was dispersing. The only thing that had become more clear at this point was the question itself.  What's next? Where do I go from here?